Let start with "In the name of God, most Gracious, most Compassionate". and Peace be upon you.

As i could reflect back my childhood times, On how I saw faces of my Mum that actually felt hopeless and unbearable on my Endless Tantrums,loud cries and sickness.Yes,without my father by her side to share her burden.She left me in the age of 5-6 years'ol. I don't blame her for that, i don't have the ability and the power to blame her on Why she left me for.Because the point is,She has gone away,far far away,for good.

And i don't really get the meaning of real parents love,because,either i don't catch it nor i just don't have it.Therefore i used crave for people to love me.And funny thing is that,i don't really know how to express/show my love to people that i really love.I'll be over-protective,keep on advising her/him not to follow my way.i'll be harshed and in the end hurt the person.
i've always thought that,creating problems,making scenes,do stupid stuff like fighting,being rebellious,i love to do stuff that seeked attention...
because why?

First,i think that God is unfair,he gave some people a F***ing good lives,with parents,but why not me?so,i want the attention plss!!

Second,i'm too stupid not to know or even cared about why God is doing this to me,nor i don't even cared that he's actually existed.

Third,i want to show people,how,stupid,strong,ego,stubbon and violent am i.I can do whatever i want,as if the world is mine.

I used to blamed myself on everything that happened.I used to Give up on my life and plan for Suicide.I used to locked up myself in my own room for days,wasting my Damn tears without sleeping.And Depression used to be my best friend.

When i thought i'm actually strong enough to cope everything,i don't like too share my problems because i don't thinks theres a need to,so i stuff every problems to my f***ing head.and hides my weakness in my heart.Keep saying that "I'm ok" when actually im not.keep forcing myself that i can "do it!" when the fact was that I've lack of strength.Keep on smiling and made up lame jokes.I want to hide that "I used to be a PROBLEMATIC CHILD" sign that sticked or even nailed onto my forehead,for that freaking long years!! Wasn't that easy. is like an example of"once you were an prostitute,you ARE A PROSTITUTE FOREVER!!"
when i felt that it was unfair as we DESERVED a second chance.what for the colourfull ribbons for charity??!! should i take drugs to get second chance?? soo?? hellya!


After years,days,minutes and seconds passed.Than i realized the stupidest and silliest mistakes and sins i've done.And all this while,God has been watching me all the time,recording my countless Sins.
God loves me soo much that He gave me such Challenge to test whether His slave can actually accept it and bear with it.And i have to be strong to accept everything that came(or even another perfect word is "BANGED"?) to me.Its fated that my storyline are suppose to be eventually turn out like that. Everyone have their own problems,either big or small,everyone has it.Just don't give up as every tunnel has the light in the end,trust me,sooner or later you'll get the light in the right time.
and when i asked you talked, don't come to me and say "you would not understand my problems!" and keep saying that your stress. and i'll give you a big tight slap.When i talked to you,that means i wanna help you.

thats all for today.May god bless ya!

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